The kids, the husband (the partner), the house, the job, self care, the dog, the projects and yet we still have no choice but to solider on. That is what a mama bear does. Our words fall on deafened ears. Why is that? Because no one wants to see a strong person fall apart. If she falls apart what does that mean for the rest of us?
If she falls apart we no longer have access to our ROCK. The one who schedules, cooks, cleans, drives, soothes, listens, advises and cares. What the hell will that look like for me. She no longer has the strength because she has been stretched too thin. Yes, she soldiers on… meetings with the school, supper on the table, groceries despite not knowing what to eat, got to change the wet sheets, make the lunches, make sure the kids get to practice. Ah – no energy left for self care. Oh well, I am sure if I eat the whole cake I’ll feel better about things.
I eat the cake – crap I feel worse. I beat myself up. Take a shower and you’ll feel better. The phone rings – it’s the orthodontist to change the appointment. The new hire at work is questionable. Did I make the right call? The husband comes home with his baggage from the day. I listen but truly not interested because I can’t focus.
I had a day from hell but no one wants to hear it. We have to head out to put gas in the car and drive the kids to their activities. But wait don’t you hear me? Don’t you see me? I am struggling. The children come first. I am being pushed and pulled in all directions. I don’t’ think I can do this much longer. Oh, I tell myself tomorrow is a new day. Solider on because I have no choice.
The next morning comes. It starts off with exhaustion because my body is not ready to wake. I pray that my morning coffee will make it all better. The kids don’t want to get up and now we are rushing. I feel the pulse of the day rising. I push those feelings down because the kids come first.
Get dressed for the very important 10 o’clock meeting which ends up to be a waste of time. I am deflated. Put up a good front for the employees because you set the tone. I try but slowly things keep coming at me. Take a break. The phone rings and I have to rush to school to pick up my son because it’s not going well. His anxiety is a 10 on 10. Breath.
Get home and start making supper. I don’t even want to look at food but I have to feed my children. I try my best to smile around them. I don’t want them to feel my stress – my desperation. I force myself to eat so my children won’t pick up on my emotions. I have managed to make it through the day and the night settles in.
I am emotionally deflated but no one can change that reality. Maybe a warm bath, tea and a book. I try because I don’t even really like tea. What I haven’t been able to do to my brain I hope that I can some how miraculously sooth my body. Now I look forward to my bedtime. To turn it all off and pray for a night of good sleep. I know I am merely kidding myself but I try.
The usual middle of the night wake up happens and it’s 3am. Thoughts in my head spinning that tomorrow will be more of the same but I have to push forward – push through.
This is how I have been feeling lately BUT it’s normal. Why? Because I am a “mama bear”. This story is not uniquely mine. I share it with mother’s all over the world. My only thought that helps get me through is that in this day set forth before me someone will take the time to place a call, send a text, offer respite, ask me out for coffee or merely send words of encouragement.
This blog entry has taken me 20 minutes to write. Why so quickly? The answer is easy. It’s a “mama bear” reality that hasn’t changed. So to all my friends who touched base with me in the last week. You are golden to me and because of you I find that nugget of strength to solider on. Remember ladies – what we do is hard work and we need one another to get through.
Thank you for reading this with an open mind and heart for all us “mama bears”.